father

I’m in southern CA this week with much of my family. My father has had a sharp recent decline in his already poor health in a long battle with Parkinson’s. My kids arrive today to see their “gido”.

So many thoughts colliding, but nothing I feel like talking about that’s personal. But a few dads from pop culture are intruding. I’ll talk about them instead. If you can find the throughline, knock yourself out.

Archie

I think a lot about that Manning brothers documentary from a decade ago or so. There’s one part in particular — the brothers say that despite their dad , Archie, never having a winning season for the Saints, they never knew when he came home from work whether he won or lost. When I was at the fund, I’d sometimes have a tough run weigh on me back home. And I was a lowly finance dork. The QB of the friggin Saints didn’t let his losses affect his energy with the family. Some might say that’s unhealthy. I don’t know. I found it totally aspirational, and since the sons talked about it with admiration, I’m going with them on it. Me to the mirror — “get over yourself”.

Timothy Saxon

The dad in White Lotus Season 3 delivered a performance that made me grateful to live clean. His stress was so palpable I had thoughts I don’t think I ever considered before (to be clear, none involved harming others, least of all loved ones).

But there was a subtle theme about the expectations fathers internalize. He victimized himself when he alludes to the “pressures” he had on him. Even if those pressures were real (it’s hard to deny they weren’t), those pressures were still choices.

You are not just a bystander to the expectations you adopt. Tacit approval is still an active gesture. It’s just that it can be easier to agree to insane expectations only to lash out when you fall short, than accept the cost of rejecting them in the first place. This quandary is a hairline fracture in the foundation of the male psyche.

Eddie Miller

The father in the Netflix series Adolescence. I’m not going to re-hash this show. But this man’s characterization doesn’t come into full view until the last episode.

He’s dutiful. That is obvious throughout.

He’s humble. Watch the last episode as he searches for the “hows” while never shirking ownership of what happens.

He shows so much restraint. They mention his temper but it’s in sharp relief to his will to stay composed in circumstances that would angry outbursts if not a nervous breakdown.

He didn’t let his ego sabotage what he wanted. That’s what the scene in the van is about where he and his wife tell their daughter about the HS dance where he flails around to Take On Me to win her mother’s affection. It’s an act that flies in the face of the lie that incel culture victmizes itself with — that confidence and vulnerability don’t co-exist. In theory, his awkwardness doesn’t get the girl. In real life, she’s talking about that romantic moment 25 years later.

That dude is as man as you get. And his son doesn’t see it, because the cartoon version of manliness is on offer as soon as the algo serves the next YouTube short. To a child, the comparison is broccoli vs jawbreakers. Good luck with the vegetables, bruh. But to anyone who’s been forced to grow up, to see life’s imagination in doling out surprises, the definition of a man is a no-brainer in the opposite direction.

The last scene of this series, when he’s in his son’s room, hit me harder than any I can remember. My sister and I were talking about the scene on our father’s driveway yesterday. She said it hit her husband, my brother-in-law, extremely hard. A scene, perfect in its simple emotional brutality. A sledgehammer to a parent’s heart.

But making it a dad and a son? Just take my eyes next time.